without fear there is no magic and without magic what have we left?

little to say. time stretches long and i wake and wish i hadn't. only time i'm not fighting. i'm getting tired.
little glimmers though, here and there. for a second or three i see what i can be without this beast. languages in my head and words like a ring of fire round my brain-pan. want suddenly to go and do and be without thinking, without my own pronoun, because thinking is what breaks me. but what it is is stunning and it glows bright but i freeze and slip back to paralysis and fear.

i've been watching miyazaki films nonstop for two days now. trying to re-find my own brand of magic i've lost in the intervening years. don't you remember when a certain stuffed animal held the right way could keep you safe? the covers pulled tight to your chin. falling asleep with the light left on, back to the wall and curled up tight, fingers in the pages of a book. may the stories keep me safe, their words bind me and keep me whole. may the forest spirits watch over me. may no one touch me in the night.