the malady of disconnexion, of quavering eyes and a mixed-up brain

"You go on looking. Her face 

is given over to sleep, it's silent, 

asleep, like her hands. But all 

the time the spirit shows 

through the surface of the body, 

all over, so that each part bears 

witness in itself to the whole - 

the hands and the eyes, the curve 

of the belly and the face, the 

breasts and the sex, the legs and 

the arms, the breath, the heart, 

the temples, the temples and 

time. "  -The Malady of Death, Marguerite Duras

why can i not see my body as a whole, why am i so disgusted, so horrified that i can only look with a certain myopia at individual parts out of the corner of my eyes, making faces at myself if only to take myself less seriously, as if that would make it all right?