that 5:00 light, the magic hour, sets my eyeballs, my hair afire

i never thought sanity would come in the form of los angeles. 

i never realised how much i adore the quality of light out here. what i really mean is how much i appreciate being so immensely far away from where i was. 


i am safe again, i am happy, my cats are with me, everything is lovely. 

and i am full of lies. 


this is not sanity. this is merely a return to the normal madness. 


somehow i thought everything would end with that trip, that it was more or less a giant wall in front of my future that i couldn't see myself existing past. or i imagined i would come back different, either broken down or relieved and lighter in comparison. 


i'm kind of disappointed. it's rather anti-climactic, to tell the truth. 


same patterns. same obsessions. same panic, same fear. more drugs. more and more and more despair. tonight i can barely move with it. i am abstract with it. my words have no feeling in them, can't you tell? i would love to blame it on the 100-degree heat but that's another lie. 

i have done the impossible and survived visiting my parents. 


why are things not better?