if i wasn't so contrary, maybe i could get somewhere. but where would that be, exactly?

i am aiming for that zombie-like brain-dead quality which means i don't have to think about being me. except i keep fucking it up and eating or taking not enough pills or too many or eating too much and throwing up accidentally and i end up a blundering wreck of anger and fears and only semi-trustable equilibrium. 

if i cannot think i cannot hate myself so viciously. 

if i want to fade slowly into the background, chameleon-like and silent, would anyone notice? 

all i want is hours and days of uninterrupted time but that is simultaneously what i am most afraid of. the paradoxes in my head are too immense to achieve any balance. no wonder i get dizzy when i stand.