hermit is as hermit does, OR, you only do, ultimately, what you can

too much and not enough. i have been missing you. i have been in too much fear and had to limit my world to the tangible for a while. this is not an excuse but you know how it goes. too many cigarettes, too many calories, too many lies.

one of the dogs i'm housesitting won't stop humping the other. he looks like a little baby polar bear and i wonder if his hips ever get tired.

Rocky doesn't seem to care except that-- oh wait, now Rocky is humping the little one. now back to play. dogs just don't seem to care, do they?

too much and not enough. hunger and emptiness, fullness and vomit, blood and weight and ethereal shadows, success and failure and our own pale fading skin. when will i slip into a massive sugar coma? when will i crash my car because i am trying to dig the loose skittles out of the bottom of the glove compartment? when will the dogs grow tired of one another and separate, content to chew their toys in the quiet of the night? when will i feel ok? and how many drugs will it take, how many years, how many lost and wasted years?

when i feel ok, what happens then? what else do i have to be responsible for?

in truth, i am getting tired of my own riptides.

i have been teaching my new phone's dictionary words like fuck and shit and klonopin and i just can't deal with this anymore, when really i need to be learning the definitions of stop and relax and it's ok and you're fine as you are. watching the dogs exhausts me because they echo what's happening in my brain. maybe there are more teeth involved but i think they're having a lot more fun.