instability of the wallet and instability of the heart walk hand in hand in this country in which i cannot afford happiness

i'm fading. or maybe i'm screaming and sobbing and huddled in the corner biting my knees. which is it? am i really just here drifting into the couch and staring, vacant-eyed and cold? am i wishing i were dead or am i dead already?

my reality is taking on too many dimensions. i start to dream before i sleep and cry on waking. disturbing thoughts of late, paranoia and panic. i will not tell you them. they are not very nice.

would that if i told someone, someone would care. someone would do something. someone would get me out of here.

not that anywhere else is particularly better. not that i can ever bear to be such a burden. i am too heavy to be carried.