it's like spring cleaning, only in october

it's time to end this. it's time for a break.  


it's not about weight loss. well, maybe it is. but mostly for me it's about finding some mental stability in all this madness. 


i am sick of spending 95% of my time thinking about food and dwelling on it and feeling so disconnected from everyone around me because it's all i can think about.


i'm sick of craving twizzlers and not being able to stop myself eating a whole bag and crying and purging and eating more when it won't all come up. 


i'm sick of being behind on work all the time because all i can do is eat and puke and think about eating and think about puking and think about eating. 


i'm sick of losing my identity because there is nothing else, there is nothing else but food and food and food.


i'm sick of the desire, i'm sick of the frenzy, i'm sick of the fear. 


i'm sick of feeling like shit about myself all the time. 

i am not saying this is an answer. but i just need a break. i'm doing a liquid fast. i'm not reducing too many calories. just enough to keep things manageable.


i need to start learning to think about other things. 


i need to start remembering those qualities i have that are not infected with self-hatred. 


i know there's more to me than just this. i know it.