simple maths

i have lost the punctuation in my brain and the ability to sit still and the concept of time but i have gained boundless energy and happiness and tan lines the need to learn EVERYTHING and the desire to run 16 miles RIGHT NOW and i have lost and gained the same three pounds ten thousand times since september but gained an obsession with connexions and cycles and cause and effect and lost the ability to tolerate boredom and the ability to prioritize because everything is exactly as immediately important as everything else and how many calories have i lost in pacing the kitchen in a frenzy anyway and how many miles and hours and months exactly do i need between my parents and me to make me less bat-shit crazy not to mention the obsession i've gained with space and time and spacetime and physics that i don't understand and where does the fat go when i lose it anyhow and why why won't my brain stop or at least stop tearing along at breakneck speed because i'm getting a little dizzy here don't you know and i'm losing track of myself or whatever i thought i was or might have been

and what really am i left with after all this math and additions and subtractions because of course you've got to divide it all by the going-rate of starving and/or purging which is probably a very large number i imagine i mean seeing as how it's every waking second that i am computing calories or thinking of tastes or actually tasting them or trying not to or cursing or doing u-turns in the hollywood hills to go buy chocolate and/or justifying this and/or throwing it up later and/or trying very very very hard not to throw it up later and/or and/or and/or

and what's at the center of this by which i mean after the equal sign if we want to continue this metaphor which is shaky at best and what am i doing here really but trying very hard to act normal but trouble is i can't seem to remember what that is anymore