i stood in the shower for an hour with my face pressed to the tile, crying and curling my toes

i am uncovering things i wish weren't there. i am stabbing ice cream in its container and bending the spoon nearly in half. my teeth are chattering. not from the ice cream. ice cream dripping on my legs. brown and sticky. i am smothered in it.

one third of me has vanished. one third of me is maimed. one third of me is real and alive and feels the sunlight on the back of that third of my neck but it is not enough. it is not enough. i cannot be empty enough. i can throw up this ice cream but not my inner organs. i want them all out. there is too much inside me.

i keep forgetting to breathe. i have never been very good at that.