Sunday, May 6, 2018

going home today, counting down the hours and oh how long they take

nightmare please end. please send me back to LA. i cannot bear it here any longer. 


i am naked and desperate. i have not known even marginal comfort in six days. except for you, your comments, your facebook notes. something about knowing you are real makes this insanity more bearable. 

i am leaving my parents' today. i am counting down the hours. it's been a vicious nightmare from which i can't wake and i'm starting to believe i'll be caught in an infinite loop, the plane will bring me right back here again. i'll have to go on with the frenzied bingeing and the half-hearted vomiting and the sweaty fear and the near-cataleptic despair. the exponential gravity in this house, the way it crushes me, my mother's gripping suffocating hugs. don't hold on so much. i'm not yours anymore. 

i want to vomit so vehemently i turn myself inside out. 

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