this is a conversation i had with myself the other day. writing
it then kept me from bad things. maybe, andy, this is for you. but maybe it's
for all of you.
I ate too much. I am going to die. You are not going to die. You ate a normal
meal. My heart is pounding, my
belly is immense and painful. You are in panic, that’s all. Your belly is
not used to full meals. You will be fine. I am scared. Don’t be scared. This meal will not make you
fat. Not every meal has to be like this one. But I’m so full and it
hurts and I’m afraid. Lie down and give it time. It will digest
soon. Lie down and do not panic. I am afraid. I want to
eat more. If I eat more I won’t be so afraid. Eating more will make you more panicked. You
have had a full meal, you have had enough. You must learn when to stop. I don’t understand
“stop”. That
is what you must learn. You feel so full because you should’ve stopped a few
bites before you did. So I ate too much? I am
going to die. I feel like I am going to die. You are not going to die. A few bites too many
will not cause a rupture. You would have to have eaten at least six or seven
times what you ate to be in danger. But what about the food I
ate before? The food you puked? That is gone. The food you
stole from Leila’s house? You didn’t eat that much. But my heart yammers on
like I’ve purged, like I’m going to die. You are panicking, that is why your heart
beats so. You are full of panic and your heart is pumping blood to your stomach
in order to digest. But I am scared. Relax and wait. Calm down. You will feel better
soon. I want to die. You don’t. This is momentary. You will be all
right. I promise.
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