ack

i'm losing the ability to write here. 

someone say something to make me write. someone say something that will make sense at last. 

please.

thanksgiving in two days. trying to make plans. it's hard when your family is 2600 miles away but it's even harder when you'd prefer not to see them anyway. 

without that what's left? it distills down to food, as ever. pumpkin, cranberry, apple, bread, wine; eat to fill, eat to distract, eat to avoid, eat to replace, eat in response to hibernation instinct. smoke to not eat, eat anyway. hunger is something i've lost track of. the concavity of my thighs is another. 

this shouldn't matter to me but it does. it does and all i can think to do about it is eat.