and

and i will not delete those pictures. no. 


because deleting them will just be me running again. 


fuck that. 


i deserve to have a face, i deserve to post it, to show it, to explain my horror with it when i haven't the proper words. 


i deserve to exist. 




probably. 




at any rate i will not retreat out of fear or self-doubt. i am made of stronger stuff than that. 

i deserve to exist and i deserve to be seen by those of you who see me most clearly. if not you than who? you see deeper than anyone i've ever known in the flesh. 


maybe i am still black and white, still grainy and vague, but. 


but. 


so today i will sit in the sun alone at the waterfront and listen to the loons on the lake and read and stop thinking about whether i ought to occupy space in the universe. 

because that, after all, is the only way to be sure of existing.