gusty blustery night and the dark and the old fears, the old
fears fresh and follow me back inside and i am dirty, i am stained with
cigarette smoke, i imagine. i smell of it. and how is it possible to be present
in two places at once, in two opposing times? happened before at christmas on the d-day beaches but
that was somebody else's history and my beautiful, sun-drenched present.
illumination of one and the other at once. this, this is different. a darkening
of both. full solar eclipse. leaving me breathless and shaking and retching and
alone. weighted with images and secrets i should not have to bear.
[photo removed]
and then there are the days full of sunshine or rain and i am
impervious to each, dual presence in time, sometimes more here, more there,
sometimes nearly throwing up on the side of the road for experiencing again
something i had not wanted to remember.
sometimes fully present feeling the rain run down my face in
rivulets wanting to scream YOU ASSHOLES, YOU SHIT-EATERS, YOU WREAKERS OF
DESTRUCTION AND HAVOC ON THE WEAK-HEARTED, THE SMALL-HANDED, THE GIGGLY, and i
want to say at moments like those i am made of an iron-skinned bravery which
erodes at dusk. a cinderella, a robert coover's briar rose.
[photo removed]
dusk again and the old fears rise like vomit, as vomit,
manifested as such. i am belle and i will appease the beast.
[photo removed]
one day courage will rise in me with thunder and i will be
properly angry. i will rage with the fire of ten thousand suns. i will no
longer not be able to punch people in my dreams, my teeth will not fall out.
one day i will avenge myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment