deadness does not always require the stillness of a heart

i have been checking my hands all day for transparency. looking at old photographs of my giant fake smile, trying to determine when that chasm crept into my eyes. why photographs of me after age 14 are in a box and not in the albums. 

whispers from downstairs and my heart flutters in fear. but of course it's not about me. 

i am more invisible when i am here than when i am not here. 

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or i say too much, i am too over-zealous and say things that hurt people even if i unintentionally want to hurt them. 

i am growing heavier with every passing moment. i bear everything for everyone and this house is crushing me. 

i want to curl in a ball and vanish from the earth, implode into myself and take the burden of having me here off them. 

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but bella, my knightess in shining and glittery armor, says this which is saving me on this horrible heavy night: 

your parents are just two people who made you what you are but don't really understand what it was they made; and you are just one tiny one, but you are mighty.

i do not feel mighty but maybe i am mighty enough to survive this trip. maybe i am mighty enough to not die here, to not be swallowed whole. this is their brand of madness, not mine.

your comments all day have been keeping me going. they always come just in time. i read them surreptitiously in the sneakiest of moments and i cannot help but smile. someone out there does not find me wanting. someone out there does not find me suspect or worthless or useless or not enough. someone out there does not tell me one thing with the mouth and another with the eyes. you ladies, you lovely beautiful ones, you make me notice the vibrant changing leaves i have not seen in so long, you make me taste pumpernickel bread and be glad. you make me want to show you my face.

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you make me exist. you give me reason to go on existing. and that is more than i can say for anything living in this house. and that, my dears, is what will get me through. merci beaucoup, ten thousand thanks, my loves.