sometimes the madness in my head condenses into words. they bind
me together and for a few moments illuminate that small hidden shard of soul
i've got left. it's a glimpse of whom i could've been or whom i want to be in
the midst of all this inadequacy. i don't know where they come from or why they
fall into the right rhythm but i see the world in words, you know. it's just
how it is. and it kills me that you all do not comment because you think your
words are not as beautiful as mine. because you are wrong. because you always
have amazing things to say and because i am too insecure not to need them.
because to me my words are shit. they are never the exact words
i am trying to find. i never say it quite right. i have too many unfinished
novels and not a story to show for my $240,000 education. i write because i
have to and because there is a momentary buoyancy, a momentary glimpse. but i
read others' blogs and am shamed. i read books and am left without hope. i have
days of silence in which i am not good enough.
i write because i have to but i am struggling, same as you. same
as all of us. i am only human too and mostly i am not made of light. i am made
of a slippery mist and a charcoal fear.
my bathroom smells like sick. i am weak and shaking and cannot
get off the couch. i live in a primal, misplaced fear. words are my only weapon
and they are not good enough. starve and sick and scarf and barf and i cannot
even admit my successes. i cannot even write one beautiful, uplifting post.
despite the striking brilliant day i had today in which i caught back and made
solid a small shard of myself. despite the dogs who made me laugh today and
forget my transparency, despite refusing point-blank to be the doll my parents
think they own. in all of my words there is nothing more than empty melancholy
because there is a coward in my heart who grips hold of success and twists it
small and black.
we all have our weaknesses. we all have our strengths. sometimes
it's much harder to admit what we're good at even if it is that which will save
us.
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