what we have here is a failure to communicate

extreme anxiety. i had forgotten it could be so bad. i've subconsciously structured my life to accomodate, apparently. i forgot i forgot i forgot. and thus been struck dumb with zero ability to communicate.


essentially i had to tell an entire courtroom full of people that i am fucked up and should they choose me for their jury, i will be incoherent on a cocktail of anxiety meds. i said, i'm not biased either way, i have no problem with the case. i said, i just won't be able to absorb any of the testimony. i said, just wanted to let you know it's only fair after all.


well, or so i meant to say. complete verbal decay. i spoke in mostly nouns, eyes lolling with klonopin and white blind panic. 


i told my body that if it wanted to pass out from anxiety and/or for dramatic effect now would be the time. as usual it did not oblige. 

but they dismissed me immediately. some of us are too insane to be allowed to make crucial decisions about others. some of us are too insane to be allowed out in public at all. i cannot bear people, i cannot bear being looked at by so many. so many eyes and my soul so fragile and empty and their eyes searching and finding my depths. just stop. i am not fit to deserve your time, the invading army of your interest. 


and some of us go home in tears and puke and slice up our thighs and spend the entire next day or week i don't remember how long stumbling around on too much valium just to not continue wounding ourselves so viciously. trying to retain a scrap of perspective. it's terribly hard when the scale lies to you and you need more meds than you actually possess and all you want to do is destroy. 


is this really the life i lead? is this it? holed up here and terrified? i wish i could say there was something better but there isn't, not these days. nothing.