how easy to forget the simplest of things; how lovely an october day

and we stood in the rain, all of us with our legs crossed, and i smoked until my hair smelled like spice and we stood in the parking lot of my old college town and of course there was coffee and more coffee and remembrances of things past and youtube videos and the smells of cinnamon and holiday. 


but mostly there was actual human conversation and such an ease and a quietness in my head because we all knew our worst secrets already and i did not have to pretend. i did not have to pretend. and we talked about that but we talked about other things too because this is not my entire life, no it is not, there is more, there is so much more and there were laughter and stories and there were long stretches of time i did not think about food.

i live as an alien here. detached from everyone. it's not that i isolate myself to continue the ED but that the ED gives me an excuse to retreat. because it's safer if i don't attach.  


but there was today and suddenly remembering that the right people make me feel sane and there is a joy in friendship that despite my fears is worth it. the pressure in my head lessened. the tremor went out of my eyes. my brain ceased its incessant dark circling. it was, i'd imagine, the way it could be someday. and i ate just enough apple pie and it was ok and all day long i did not want. and yes i know i will be mad with despair again tomorrow but all these moments count cumulatively and they do keep coming in small flashes, and by god i am keeping score.