flash point

fuck. 
i cannot stop throwing up. 
everything i eat. EVERYTHING. half bowls of cereal. toast. tea. 
i threw up tea. who throws up tea?


it started in a massive frenzy two days ago but now it's just, just this desperation, this mortal squeezing fear of having anything inside me. i need my stomach to twist sourly and rub together. i need everything out, out, out. i need to be dizzy so i do not remember how much i'd rather be dead. 

i'm in another dreamworld, a third realm where everything is inverted and strange. teetering on a balance between eating and fear. where throwing up is the norm and eating just a means to get there. where i am cold all the time. where i try and say just 20kcal in the milk in my tea but my stomach says NO, out. where bending over is so easy that that's all it takes anymore. 


obviously this is a belated reaction to seeing my parents. 
like knowing makes it any better.


i'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. please god that she can sort me out.