lobotomy, invisibility cloak or harder drugs, please

it's not my words but me in the flesh that is too much. 

my body and my brain are severed. we are sitting on the grass talking and playing with the dog and i can't put the right words together because i'm fascinated by the way this strange cobbling of bones and flesh moves through space. trying to watch it from outside my body but can't quite escape, so i don't think before i speak and opinions come out unfettered and raw. how can i watch my words when my brain is analysing everything i say on three or four levels, when i am distracted by my elbows or what involuntary emotion my face might belie? as usual i am being an asshole. as usual i retreat to the nest and don't eat, slowly getting bonier and more awkward. 


i need a screen between me and the world, i need time to revise. i need my body to not be involved. it's just making trouble for everyone. 

the skinnier you are the more awkwardly you move through space. like the gravity is all wrong. i move too fast, i lose my shoe and trip splayed out but catch myself in near cartwheels because i don't fall fast enough. nothing fits. 


yesterday i wanted to tear my flesh off for weighing me down but today i see nothing but bones. even the mirror doesn't fit. and all i want is to transcend physics, to be so light i cease being solid. i can analyse this five ways to tuesday but it won't mend the severance in my head. 


doesn't mean i won't waste a lifetime trying. i need to stop being so fucking conscious all the time.