every time i look in the mirror i see a different face, a
different fragment. splintered shards and they never quite coalesce. i never
recognize who i am. today i've had to take too much xanax just to be able to
deal with the fact that i'm alive. i've spent too much money and thrown up too
many times and eaten too many things and ignored too many phone calls and still
i am afraid to sleep.
everything is quiet here and i am just waiting, just biding
time. what for, i could not say. as if something will come along to sweep this
all away, as if i wait long enough my shards will magically adhere and i will
stop fumbling.
i'm looking for a reset button and finding none. maybe it's
disabled. maybe in this life you only get one shot and if someone fucks you up
at the beginning, gives you too much or not enough when you're too young to
protest, you're stuck with it. and what then? then you are twenty five in a
city you hate with no future plans and spending sunday evenings drugged out of
your mind and wishing, really wishing you hadn't been born in the first place.
that things would've been better off that way for everyone involved.
xanax takes away the anxiety but not the general malaise, not
the underlying fear and shame. in this lies the danger. this would translate to
recklessness if i had the ability to get out of the nest.
what i wouldn't give to sleep without fear, to leave the house
without drugs, to eat a normal meal, be pleased at fullness. to see in the
mirror something that i will not run from.
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