what is even happening here and why and how and when

where have i been? i am not even sure myself. working 16-hour days. three jobs, one class. driving across the city and back in accursed traffic. falling into bed. having frenzied sleeps in which i wake up with my brain rushing past in an attempt to break the sound barrier. stumbling to the bathroom to pee, hoping that will get rid of some of the weight. it doesn't. i am still too many pounds.

my brain is still exploding and it's gotten to a point where i don't really know how to describe it which is terrifying because i always find a way to describe everything. my words fail me. i spend too many hours in my car, driving and yelling. driving and eating sugar and screaming. falling asleep on hardwood floors, waking and stumbling about, muttering to myself. cursing. swerving dangerously close to tears. yelling instead.

life, or reality, which one i am not sure, has become like a greased up watermelon and i just cannot get a grip on it. said watermelon has a hole in it and is leaking and will be little more than a dried up husk by the time i get my hands on it. slippery little bastard.

my words are failing me now and it's infuriating. how can i even post here when i cannot tell you what i mean? everything is out of whack. off kilter. overwhelming and strange. i am lost and confused. probably depressed but i refuse to slow down enough to realize it. i will not cry. i am eating too much and all the wrong things, forgetting what normal people eat and why. there are too many possibilities in front of me and too many decisions to make and i am bursting out everywhere. i am not contained.

all i want is a warm and sunny nest and i want everything to stop for just enough time for me to figure out what's going on. and what i am trying to do in the midst of all of this. i just want my brain to stop, and all those little flitty heavy things sitting there in my chest expanding and building pressure and making me want to scream and laugh and cry and kill everything and whine and curl in a ball and retch all at once. get out, please. i have things to do. you are not welcome here.