today i feel
skinny. i feel skeletal. i imagine my hands as little spiders, my dinosaur
spine jutting out through the back of my shirt. circles under my eyes. gaunt
arms, skin stretched over sinew and tendons, creating hollow cavities that
catch shadows. i feel light and free and horribly, nakedly, shamefully visible.
i am losing correct
perception of myself. or rather, i am realizing i never had it to begin with.
as if i've been living without mirrors for 14 years. as if the mirror is always
a lie and the true reflection of me is out there somewhere, if i could only
find it. i always look different. i often do not recognize myself in photos.
whether i feel fat or thin depends on something else entirely. it has nothing
to do with what i see in the mirror.
in a way i think this is far more sinister. i have no view of myself. i am a living uncertainty. there is no constant in this experiment.
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