everyone keeps
telling me to follow my heart but the problem is that my heart can no longer be
trusted. neither can my brain. they are both absolutely completely sure of what
they intend to do, and that it is the quintessential Right thing to do, no
matter what, no matter the consequences, and can provide a full and detailed
list of reasons why. one thing i can say for myself is that i am brilliant at
rationalizing or justifying anything. to the point that i believe it. to the
point that i don't know what to believe any more. i don't know which mood of
mine is right; whether i can do all these things, or whether i can't.
"Once the plans took hold that was it. And then the language obsession and then that was it. Now I am crazy. And moody as shit. Volatile. Strange. Exhausted. I am getting stuck again. I am stuck here and I need to work but I won’t work until I’ve showered but I can’t get up to shower. Stuck. This is bad. I must work so I can wake up tomorrow and figure out what’s going on. It’s fucking hard to see what’s really True around here because I feel like I’m looking through sunglasses that someone has scribbled on with black marker. Squint and change angles but you never really get a clear picture. How can I make a giant decision when I can’t even get at the truth? What is my normal self like? When am I in a state of normalcy? That’s the question that’s really killing me. Is this, depressive and feeling like I don’t deserve to go abroad, is this the “real” me? The one I should trust? Or the me racing around convinced I can do everything no matter what the hurdles, that God is telling me to go abroad and not worry, that I will get into Harvard and learn fluent Russian in two or three months, is that the “real” me? Or something in between? I feel like I have a lot of in between moments but I can’t remember how I was or what I felt at those times. Mostly confused, I suppose, and lost, and overwhelmed. But fit to make a decision? How should I know? I can no longer even identify when I am in that state. This is all so confusing. This is all so bizarre. Living in the future tense but cowering back into the land of no tenses, trying to escape verbs in their entirety. Anise shower. Tears. Fetal. Not eating. Skinny. Nest. Hibernate. Fucking bonkers, bananas, crackers, whacked. Wicked whacked. On the run. Scared and alone. I live in a series of black and white still shots and the world is whizzing by me in fast-forward Technicolor and I can’t get my foot in to swing myself up. Except sometimes I turn to color and race along side and sometimes outrun the world by mistake, screaming and jabbering at it to hurry up, but we are never in tandem. We are out of sync. And then I drift back into stills, fade from color. Stuck in this nest in an uncomfortable position and uncomfortable clothes knowing that time is ticking away and I have to work but without the ability to move forward."
i have no idea
what's going on but it is getting really tiresome.
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