premier jour

there are so many things to learn. my brain is not big enough. i am too afraid.

i nearly passed out in class today when asked to conjugate finir. not that i don't know it, but my brain does not work when people are looking at me. the space between us hardens and becomes translucent. i hear my heart in my ears and a buzz in my head and my sweat smells like fear. the words come out or they don't and i have no power over it.

how can i learn languages when i cannot speak to you in my own? how can i tell you why i can't speak, why i can't eat, why je dois rester toujours chez moi if i cannot speak?

today i am filled with a horrible cold that blankets and coats will not resolve and a beautiful emptiness that twists at my gut and makes me half-smile when no one's watching. i smell food cooking and it does not apply to me. i drive by restaurants that do not apply to me. there is french and there is russian and there is ASL and there are the dogs. there is nothing else. soon it will be my birthday and soon i will be made of light et je ne vais pas avoir froid.

je vais être lumière.