i am still here. i am still fighting my demons. i am now
appropriately afraid of knives.
i am stunned and disillusioned. still. staggering about on a mix
of tears and Xanax. don't know how much to tell you here, don't know how much
to tell. childhood and inappropriate things. invisibility and shame. i speak
only in abstract nouns because i cannot face the concrete yet, the tangible.
someday, verbs. and then maybe i will be healed.
i pass out at night on the hardwood floors clutching a pen, a
beloved book. wake up with dried blood on my sheets and the best bits of poems
writ on my thighs between the scars. wake and see rumi, c.d. wright, t.s. eliot
and c.s. lewis, mati unt, james wright, tolkien and galway kennell. my old
friends. more parents than mine ever were.
i have good moments in the midst of this, best friends i can
spill out to who are appropriately angry for me and give it back contained.
they distract me. they are wonderful. it helps. i have smiles, giggles, wine
and kisses.
then they go home and i am left to the cruelty of my brain, the
bloody lament of my heart.
i am not eating. it is too easy. first it was cereal and oranges
and somehow the cereal became too much. oranges. i am ninety-seven pounds. i
still want to rip off my thighs, mar and maim. i am still too much. the
compulsion to destroy myself stuns me and i cannot say i am not afraid. i just
need to be empty. i just need to disappear.
but please note. i am stronger than this and i just have to
learn to feel before i can be whole. there will be many tears yet but they are
more bearable each time. each time i push off the need to numb out a little bit
longer.
[photo removed]
i will get through in the end if not a bit thinner, a bit more
scarred. this
is not my fault. i have to fight through what was done to me before i even had
a choice.
[photo removed]
bravery is what i am capable of, and so i will be brave. the
rest will come.
found on my knee this morning in fading black ink:
"It must escape its carapace quickly. We must all escape
our carapace. Come shining."
-c.d. wright (deepstep
come shining)
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