retaliation sometimes comes unexpectedly and in droves

sunlight everywhere. splashes of the slowly dying first round of spring flowers, slobbery grinning dogs and the stretch and pull of leg muscles. and there is a bounce in my step because i am angry.

i am hungry and i am angry.

there is a strange joy in anger because it is not rotting me from the inside like shame, like disgust, like despair. it is radiating outwards. i am practically aglow with it.

i am angry and i am irritated and i am annoyed and it's so thrilling.

fuck you, parents, who made me this way, for all the myriad reasons. fuck you for not seeing me. fuck you for not seeing me now. fuck you for always letting me down and for all the times you will let me down again. fuck you, trauma. fuck you and fuck you. fuck you, friend, who is so wrapped up in your own drama that you only occasionally remember mine, and fuck you for invalidating me the other night. fuck you for pulling me into your relationship. fuck you for making me your pet. fuck good intentions. fuck doing your best. fuck unintentional. fuck perfectionism and success and ambition and all, all of that.

i would like to say fuck off to the eating disorder and self-destruction, but i kind of need you right now. because nights, in the darkness, fear tears at my insides, shame and disgust and disappointment ripping gaping holes in my gut. i cannot sustain this brilliant anger all the time. i fail when the sun fails, when the world fades to black and white.

but there is the day and the sun and the white hot fiery anger and we're getting somewhere, damn it. this is the beginning and this is mine. i'm taking it all back.

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