leather & lace & hiding my face

why am i so embarrassed by life?

leather & lace party yesterday. i must say i looked HOT. or at least that is what everyone was telling me. i look in the mirror and see disaster but i am learning to rely on others to tell me how it really is. i just want to be smaller. i just want to curl up and fit everywhere. i want to make a compact little ball and i want my bones to jut out. 

how do we explain these strange desires? everything i say, every facial expression, every gesture i make embarrasses me. for days, for weeks afterwards, hot feelings of shame and reproach. i cannot interact with people in front of a mirror because i am revolted by my own moving, reacting self. stills i can do. black & white. good lighting. individual moments. maybe this goes back to the age-old problems i have with time. i cannot exist in it. i cannot get it to relate to me. slippery little devil.

i had a brilliant time at the party. what was i wearing? red and black corset over a little black dress with thigh-high red tights with black lace at the top and black boots. .

anyway. in the lovely drunken moment i am a god. i am perfect. i am hot. i am charming and funny and relatable and happy and i do not despair about anything. a little wine and a cigarette and old friends and i am a happy. happy until 4 am. MAIS. in the morning i wake spinning with shame. embarrassment for things that were in all likelihood not embarrassing. talking too loudly. getting involved in personal drama. being too forceful. being too excitable. saying the wrong things. insisting people give me cigarettes. never mind hmmmsexhmmmshhh. 

suck it up. you deserve that hangover. go get lost in the bookstore and smile vaguely and talk to yourself and DO NOT think about last night.

lately i've been getting stuck. lately i've been racing around like a demon doing so many things so fast and worrying so much about the thousands of things left undone, and then stuckness, in all it's noun-ish glory. i fall from verb to noun in seconds and cannot move, cannot even adjust into a more comfortable position, for minutes or hours. stare and recycle thoughts and know i need to get up and sometimes want to and can't. and can't. i lay on the couch this morning in a deliciously folded up ball for two hours without moving once. couldn't. wanted to go get lost in bookstore and go home to study but couldn't move. heard my phone receive a text and couldn't reach out to get it. embarrassment replaying in my mind. general despair. not all of it despair, either, some good thoughts and happiness but no ability to get unstuck. and then back to verb suddenly. i don't know.