late meanderings through the mind

everything that rises must converge. or devolve. everything is slipping away and i can't catch it. i've lost control of this. there is no one on this continent i can explain this to. i think the switch has been flipped and i don't want this. i was supposed to stop when i got back to the states but i haven't, and i can't. i am afraid. i am being vague and maybe that's on purpose. i cannot let anyone get close to me, i do not put all my eggs in one basket, so to say. i'm sorry. i'm lost up here, wherever this is. this city makes me crazy. i have lost track of everything. i am losing my words again and other things too but always there is this relentless sense of time,tick tock tick tock tick tock ticktock ticktock ticktockticktockticktock. i will never get enough done fast enough. i am aging too quickly. i will never be what i want to be. i will be that old lady trying to live a young woman's life. i will be pathetic. will i spend my whole life fighting these demons? will i never get anywhere? will i never get out of this wretched city that is making my blood run cold and blue?

my brain will not shut off. it will not stop analyzing things. it will not stop making mincemeat of my life and then retracting its own statements and changing its mind five ways to tuesday. it will not let me stop obsessively writing. it is reordering the priority of things. everything is getting out of hand and i am scared because i do not know where this is going to go. rushing pell-mell at a brick wall. at the same time i am sitting still and the world is rushing off to some extravagant party without me. i am left sitting in a heap in my cinderella gown on a dusty floor. no one realises i have been left behind. i imagine that they do not care, though i know at heart they do and would wait for me if i just deigned to shout out to them. as if i would.

i am feeling very insane tonight, very fucked up. the cats are the only sane beings in this house. they sleep and purr and play and poop and wander through the bathroom as i puke and are no longer scared. they smile at me and ask to be fed. their sanity stuns me. i am surprised every time.