i think that i will run away

i never ran away as a child. i am regretting that now.

now i have jobs and bills and classes and responsibilities. now there is no one to come collect me in a few hours when i am sitting on the sidewalk a few miles away, kicking stones. now i have the capacity to book a flight to anywhere. i am trying very hard to resist this.

i have become too visible.

i have become too lost in my own head. i have forgotten the way out.

i think i will run away and live in a cave only accessible by rope. i will sit at the entrance and dangle my feet over the edge and stare up at the stars and coil the rope next to me so no one can get in or out. i will miraculously have internet connexion and a nest of duvets and pillows and an endless supply of diet coke. it will be paradise.

no, wait. the problem is not other people.

the problem is you.

you are your own problem and you're driving yourself mad.

if only my brain would just shut off for a while without having to have thrown up first.

if only i could wake up in the morning and not wish i hadn't.

if only someone could come collect me as i sit here on the sidewalk, kicking stones and hiding my face.