balance

houselights and quiet in the early night. dinner and laughter from open windows. birthday parties and families and the clink of silverware, the gritty smell of barbecue. lights of the city spread out beneath.

with too many splintered parts i cannot be this whole.

instead i lock myself in the bathroom, throwing up my past and etching my secrets into my thighs.

the girl i could've been was probably amazing. i can see echoes. brief shadows that fade into the night. for half a moment my heart is light and whole. then the gravity is just too much and it rends again.

this is not my fault.

but it doesn't make any difference anymore.