litania repetita

you are strong and you are fine, you have skinny jeans now but you also have weight and mass, you are rooted, you belong to this earth. you will not fly off and that is a good thing. sometimes you are made of brilliant sunlight. and then you eat and remember that you are not fine and it all falls apart and you are 14 years old again, re-reading Kipling's Just-so stories to find out how the rhinoceros was able to remove his skin, step right out of it, svelte and shiny and new. you itch like you have sand in yours too. you want to storm and rage and throw things and turn yourself inside out to remove the poison, the chocolate festering there. no,  you are healthy, you are fine, you should eat. 

i do not want to revert. i do not want attacks of emotional vulnerability late at night as i have been having. i am not entirely sure this wall i have put up around myself is serving me as it should, but i have not the strength to abandon it.

i cannot see-saw between these two worlds much longer. i am lost in limbo in between and i cannot determine which path leads out and which leads in and moreover, which one i want to take. i know where they both lead and cannot say i want either outcome. i'll rest here awhile, perhaps, sit down in the grass and scratch at the dirt and let the world spin around me.