Sunday, April 29, 2018

je ne sais pas.


it may not seem like it now but today has been absolutely completely NORMAL, to the point that on more than one occasion i found myself becoming worried. worried why? worried that i'm not really insane, that it's all passed? that i will go to the therapist for the first time tomorrow and shrug and smile and say, it's all fine now, sorry? or worse, that he will kick me out and say, we have crazier (read: more important with real problems) people to care for here, we can't help you? OR, worried that this is just the eye of the big giant hurricane that i have only passed halfway through? i can feel the eerie quiet, the electricity in the damp foggy air. the waiting. the watching. tomorrow the shrink will think i'm fine and then i'll come in next week a raving lunatic.

it is 9:30 PM and i have been awake now for 17 hours and the dark tugs at my eyelids and i am afraid to sleep. i am afraid of what i will be tomorrow. there are general trends but i never know how i will wake. what if this doesn't last? what if it does?


what is even going on around here. why am i so volatile and strange. i feel i am living somebody else's life that i have borrowed for a while.

and am returning in shit condition. whale. whale. whale.

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